SAYING I’M SORRY

15 IYAR 5771       

Adapted From: Chofetz Chaim A Daily Companion
(p. 92-93)

Rabbi Yehudah Zev Segal זצ"ל

Repairing the Damage

…. If one spoke lashon hara but his listeners did not believe what was said, then it remains between man and God. Teshuva requires that a person regret his sin, confess it to God, and accept never to do it again. All three steps are necessary for teshuva to be complete. 

If, on the other hand, the lashon hara was accepted as fact and it resulted in harm, then more is required. In addition to the 3 steps of teshuva, one would also have to approach the victim and ask forgiveness for speaking lashon hara about him/her and causing harm…

If by telling a person that you spoke lashon hara about him/her, you will cause additional pain, then you must exercise judgment as to whether it is better not to inform the person.

One must do all that he or she can to to correct any damage that was done.

Let’s understand the text

• WHAT ARE THE THREE STEPS OF TESHUVA?
• WHEN DOING TESHUVA, WHAT ARE YOU REQUIRED TO DO IF THE PEOPLE DIDN’T BELIEVE THE LASHON HARA?
• WHEN DOING TESHUVA, WHAT ARE YOU REQUIRED TO DO IF THE PEOPLE DID BELIEVE THE LASHON HARA?

Example

Sam and Jim are close friends, and a classmate of theirs, Michael, always wants to be included in their friendship. He constantly pushes his way into private discussions and play times, and Sam and Jim want Michael to stop annoying them. At night, Sam and Jim constantly speak about how Michael is annoying, and tell other classmates to avoid Michael so that he doesn’t annoy them.

Sam has an awakening after learning about Shmirat HaLashon in school, and realizes that it does not help the situation to keep talking negatively about Michael. What should Sam do?

Discuss

Think about and discuss practical ways for Sam to correct the damage that was done by speaking lashon hara about Michael.

Which of the following actions should Sam do or not do, and why?

1. Sam should recognize and admit to himself that he did something wrong.
2. He should try hard to stop all the negative talk about Michael.
3. Sam should tell Michael that he spoke lashon hara about him and discuss why he is sorry. He tells Michael a general summary of the negative things he said about him.
4. Sam should not tell Michael, but just try to work with Michael to help him be less annoying.
5. Tell Jim and other classmates that he doesn’t want to speak badly about Michael any more.
6. Encourage others to stop speaking negatively about Michael.
7. Sam should ask a parent or teacher for advice about what do.
8. Add your own.

HURTFUL WORDS

14 IYAR 5771

Jewish Values 

By Rabbi Yehonasan Geffen 

HURTFUL WORDS
In the past weeks we have discussed various commandments that are related to speech, such as lashon hara. Another, less well-known command relating to speech is the prohibition of ‘hurtful words’, (Ona’at Devarim in Hebrew).There is a well-known saying that, “sticks and stones might break my bones but words can never hurt me.” This is not the Torah approach; speech is a very powerful tool that can be used to cause great good or great harm. In a certain way, harmful speech can actually do more damage than causing physical pain because speech can penetrate deep into a person’s inner being. Anyone involved in a long relationship can testify that a few harsh words can be remembered for several years.

There are a number of different forms of Ona’at Devarim. The most obvious is speaking harshly to a person. It is forbidden to speak in such a way that will cause emotional damage to a person. Thus, raising one’s voice, or shouting are forms of speech that are almost always prohibited…

There are times where we may feel it necessary to offer constructive criticism to someone. In order for such criticism to have any chance of its success working it must be said over in a gentle and humble way. People are generally very sensitive to any criticism but if it is done in as unthreatening way then the person is far more likely to accept it. However, when a person feels he is being verbally attacked he will be placed on the defensive and will not accept what he is being told… 

Gefen, Rabbi Yehonasan. "Jewish Values: Hurtful Words." Torah.org. Project Genesis, 2008. Web. 18 May 2011.

Let's Understand the Text

• What is Ona’at Devarim? 
• What are examples of what it means to speak to someone in a hurtful way? 
• If you need to tell someone a criticisim how should you do it?

Class Activity

Those Tear-Me-Apart, Put-Me-Back-Together,

Never-Be-the Same-Again Blues

By Gary Hopkins

Material Needed: One piece of construction paper (brightly-colored paper is best)

Before the lesson: Using craft or construction paper, trace and cut out an outline of a person. To avoid gender- or race-specific figures, you might want to cut the figure from green or blue paper.

Lesson: Gather students in a group and introduce them to their new "classmate. (You might give the figure a name such as Greenie or Bluey to avoid any association with a real person.) Explain that new students often have difficulty fitting in because they are entering a situation where groups of students have already formed bonds of friendship. Point out that some people will automatically put up barriers to a new student, deciding quickly -- without even trying to get to know him or her -- that they dislike the new student.

Ask students to imagine that Greenie (for example) has just come into a classroom where bonds already have formed; the atmosphere is very unwelcoming. Invite students, one at a time, to say something mean to Greenie. They will have to use their imaginations, because Greenie has no specific features they can pick on. The teacher might even start the ball rolling by saying something like "We dont want you here, Greenie, or "We dont like people who are different from us, or "Your hair is a mess, Greenie. Each time a mean thing is said to Greenie, the teacher rips off a piece of Greenie's body and hands it to the person who made the comment.

When ripping, rip large chunks; it will need to be obvious to students where each chunk fits into the whole if they are to piece Greenie back together.

After everyone has had a chance to say something mean to Greenie, its time to start taping Greenie back together. Invite each student who said something mean about Greenie to come up and use tape to reattach his/her piece of Greenie in its proper place. As each piece is reconnected, the student must apologize to Greenie for the mean thing that was said. (You might have younger students model in advance some of the words they might say when making an apology.)

When the torn body is fully repaired -- no matter how hard the students have tried to piece him back together -- Greenie will not look the same as when students met her/him for the first time. Ask questions to lead students to the understanding that, although some of the damage has been repaired, Greenie will never be exactly the same. His feelings were hurt, and the scars remain. Chances are those scars will never go away.

Hang Greenie on a wall as a reminder of the power words have to hurt. Greenies presence will serve as constant reinforcement of a vivid lesson in kindness.

Hopkins, Gary. "Those Tear-Me-Apart, Put-Me-Back-Together, Never-Be-the-Same-Again Blues ." EducationWorld.com. N.p., 01 Oct 2003. Web. 18 May 2011.

HOW TO AVOID HEARING LASHON HARA

13 IYAR 5771

Adapted From: Chofetz Chaim A Daily Companion (p. 104-105)

Rabbi Yehudah Zev Segal זצ"ל

The Art of Listening
One of the factors which makes lashon hara such a serious sin is that it involves the interaction of two people – the speaker and the listener. It is forbidden to believe lashon hara. One who does so has transgressed a Torah prohibition (see Shemot 23:1 with Rashi). The punishment for accepting lashon hara is worse than the punishment for speaking lashon hara.

Listening to lashon hara is forbidden even if the listener does not intend to accept the information. However, there is a difference between accepting lashon hara and listening with the intention of not believing what one is about to hear…
Let’s understand the text

WHY DO YOU THINK ACCEPTING LASHON HARA IS WORSE THAN SPEAKING LASHON HARA?

When you’re talking to a friend and he/she is about to say lashon hara what should you do? 

Adapted from: We Want Life (p. 87-88)

By: Rabbi Yisroel Greenwald

1. Try to stop the Lashon Hara by changing the topic of conversation-like telling a joke. 
2. If this fails, you must avoid listening to the Lashon Hara yourself; therefore you should either leave the group or cover your ears in order to not hear what is being said. 
3. If you can’t cover your ears, then walk away. 
4. If you can’t leave, then stay and don’t believe what you hear.
5. If you can't-resolve firmly not to believe what you hear: 

a. decide in your mind not to enjoy listening to the Lashon Hara

b. avoid nodding, smiling or in any way acting as if you agree with what is being said

c. preferably act in a manner that shows that you do not approve of the Lashon Hara


Let’s understand the text

• DISCUSS THE STEPS OF THAT THE HALACHA OUTLINES FOR HOW TO AVAOID HEARING LASHON HARA?
• DISCUSS HOW YOU WOULD PRACTICALLY GO ABOUT DOING THIS

ACTIVITY
Try to come up with a code word or expression to say if Lashon Hara is being spoken, so that the group will know to stop.
For example: “Please pass the pickles.”

LASHON HARA PART III

12 IYAR 5771

Adapted From: Chofetz Chaim A Lesson A Day (p. 378)

 Rabbi Shimon Finkelman and Rabbi Yiztachak Berkowitz

Constructive Speaking and Listening

Although speaking about and hearing about others is usually Lashon Hara, in specific circumstances, to protect ourselves or others, it is not considered Lashon Hara . This includes any discussion that could help the listener protect himself from others who plan to harm him, or to protect others from damage about to be inflicted upon them. It is also permissible to listen to information that could be of help in rectifying damage already done to oneself or others. For example: If you hear that a classmate is planning on taking your ipod, you would be permitted to investigate and take precautions. At the same time, you may not take the information as fact. 

In cases such as this, the discussion is not labeled as “gossip”; rather, it is “constructive speech.”

Let's understand the text

• When is listening to information about another person not considered rechilut or lashon hara?
• When investigating a situation that poses potential harm, what must you keep in mind as a safeguard against lashon hara?
• Give some examples of when it is okay to hear information about other people.

  

Let's discuss:

• Why does the Torah allow us to speak about others in certain situations? 
• How does this halacha relate to the tragic death of Gedalya ben Achikam?  
• What are examples of questions that a person seeking a business partner would be allowed to ask (of an honest person who would answer objectively) about the prospective partner? 
• Why does the halacha require that one prefaces his/her question with an explanation of why he/she is asking for the information? 
• Is sharing a disturbing situation such as being bullied considered “constructive speech”? With whom should you share the information?

Think about and discuss these scenarios, which were talked about in the Lower School:

Which scenario below is considered lashon hara and which scenario is considered "constructive speech"? 

Scenario 1

Alex sits next to Jon at lunch. It bothers Alex that Jon chews with his mouth open. Alex speaks to his classmates about it.

Scenario 2

Someone pours water onto Sarah on the bus ride home from school.  It was not a mistake.   Sarah tells her parents what happened when she gets home.

Scenario 3

An 8th grader takes Scott’s baseball glove on the bus, returns it before his stop and tells him that he will take it again in the morning so that he won’t have it for recess. Scott tells his parents what happened when he gets home.

Students in the middle school reflected on these scenarios. Not all the scenarios are black and white - discuss them and think about how to best approach them.

1) Pam sees Jim cheating on a test. She tells...

a. Friends - Lashon Hara or Construction speech? Why?

b. Teacher - Lashon Hara or Construction speech? Why?

c. His Parent - Lashon Hara or Construction speech? Why?

d. Other

2) Sara sees that Rachel is wearing a mismatched outfit. She tells...

a. Rachel - Lashon Hara or Construction speech? Why?

b. Friends - Lashon Hara or Construction speech? Why?

c. Rachel's Mom - Lashon Hara or Construction speech? Why?

d. Other

3) Michael thinks his teacher, Mrs. Smith gave a completely unfair test. He tells..

a. Friends - Lashon Hara or Construction speech? Why?

b. Mrs. Smith - Lashon Hara or Construction speech? Why?

c. His Parent - Lashon Hara or Construction speech? Why?

d. Other Teachers - Lashon Hara or Construction speech? Why?

e. Other

4) Sam thinks that Jan has unhealthy study habits and gets over anxious. He tells...

a. Jan - Lashon Hara or Construction speech? Why?

b. Other Friends - Lashon Hara or Construction speech? Why?

c. Jan's mom - Lashon Hara or Construction speech? Why?

d. Teacher - Lashon Hara or Construction speech? Why?

e. Other

5) Alex can't stand eating lunch with Jon. It bothers him everyday. He tells...

a. Friends - Lashon Hara or Construction speech? Why?

b. Jon - Lashon Hara or Construction speech? Why?

c. Teacher - Lashon Hara or Construction speech? Why?

d. His Parent - Lashon Hara or Construction speech? Why?

e. Other

6) Aviva doesn't like doing group projects with David. She tells...

a. Friends - Lashon Hara or Construction speech? Why?

b. Teacher - Lashon Hara or Construction speech? Why?

c. Parent - Lashon Hara or Construction speech? Why?

d. Other

7) Peter sees his co-worker, Ben, sleeping on the job. He tells...

a. Boss - Lashon Hara or Construction speech? Why?

b. Wife - Lashon Hara or Construction speech? Why?

c. Other Co-workers - Lashon Hara or Construction speech? Why?

d. Other

8) Rebecca sees a neighbor shoplifting. She tells...

a. The store owner - Lashon Hara or Construction speech? Why?

b. Police - Lashon Hara or Construction speech? Why?

c. Her Friend - Lashon Hara or Construction speech? Why?

d. Other

LASHON HARA PART II

9 IYAR 5771

Guard Your Tongue (P. 31-32)

Based on: Chofetz Chaim                By: Rabbi Zelig Pliskin

Habitual Speakers of Lashon Hara

  

Someone who only speaks Lashon Hara occasionally is guilty of a serious sin. But those who speak Lashon Hara often are guilty of an even larger sin.

People who speak Lashon Hara often become accustomed to that way of speaking about people-it become s a habit for them. For example when you first learn how to tie your shoes you think about it every time you tie them. Once it becomes a habit though, you don’t even think about tying your shoes. In the same way that speaking badly can become a habit, so to, practicing holding back from saying unkind things and practicing saying kind things can also become a habit.  

In the following story, Mr. Peabody's Apples, you will hear how Lashon Hara can truly hurt a person and ruin his reputation.  

Let’s understand the text

• Why is speaking Lashon Hara considered a serious sin?
• What lesson can we learn from “Mr. Peabody’s Apples?”

Let’s experiment

• Have a student squeeze a tube of toothpaste
• Ask the child to put all the toothpaste back into the tube.         

Let’s understand the text

• Were you able to put the toothpaste back in the tube?
• How is the toothpaste like Lashon Harah?
• What is the connection between the toothpaste and the feathers in the Mr. Peabody story?

LASHON HARA

8 IYAR 5771                                    

הלכות דעות פרק שביעי: הלכה ב

אי זהו רכיל זה שטוען דברים והולך מזה לזה ואומר כך אמר פלוני כך וכך שמעתי על פלוני אע"פ שהוא אמת הרי זה מחריב את העולם. יש עון גדול מזה עד מאד והוא בכלל לאו זה והוא לשון הרע והוא המספר בגנות חבירו אף על פי שאומר אמת. אבל האומר שקר נקרא מוציא שם רע על חבירו אבל בעל לשון הרע זה שיושב ואומר כך וכך עשה פלוני וכך וכך היו אבותיו וכך וכך שמעתי עליו ואמר דברים של גנאי על זה...

Who is a gossiper? One who collects information and [then] goes from person to person, saying: "This is what so and so said;" "This is what I heard about so and so." Even if the statements are true, they bring about the destruction of the world.

There is a much more serious sin than [gossip], which is also included in this prohibition: lashon horah, i.e., relating insulting facts about another person, even if they are true.

[Lashon horah does not refer to telling over false fact about someone;] that is called מוציא שם רע  publicize a lie about someone. Rather, one who speaks lashon horah is someone who sits and relates: "This is what so and so has done;" "His parents were such and such;" "This is what I have heard about him," telling negative things…

Let’s understand the text

• WHAT IS רכילות? WHAT IS לשון הרע?   WHAT IS מוציא שם רע?
• HOW ARE THEY ALL DIFFERENT? (GIVE AN EXAMPLE FOR EACH)
• WHY IS לשון הרע WORSE THAN רכילות?

DISCUSS:

• IS הרע לשון STILL BAD IF THE PERSON BEING SPOKEN ABOUT NEVER HEARS IT?
• HOW CAN LASHON HARA BE TRANSMITTED THROUGH FACIAL EXPRESSIONS, HINTING AND HAND MOTIONS?
• HOW HAS TECHNOLOGY SUCH AS PHONES ,TEXTING AND INTERNET MADE SHMIRAT HALASHON HARDER?

The video below was viewed by our Middle School students. If you watch this video, try to think about and discuss the message it is trying to send.